Question A Week 23

WHAT IS YOUR SONG? CAN YOU SING IT, EVEN NOW?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

Do not try to save

the whole world

or do anything grandiose.

Instead, create

a clearing

in the dense forest

of your life

and wait there

patiently,

until the song

that is your life

falls into your own cupped hands

and you recognize and greet it.

Only then will you know

how to give yourself

to this world

so worth of rescue.

-Martha Postlewaite

The birds have started to sing here in the Northland. Have you heard them? They sing their songs no matter what is happening. This is our challenge right now, to sing our songs, whatever they are, however small they may seem, with our whole heart. This matters. If you know what your song is, consider yourself lucky, and sing it. If you don’t know what it is, this poem gently invites you to take the time to find it.

Question A Week 22

Can you hold the inevitable tension between what is and what might be in a generative way?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

When we want something we don't have, our tendency is to focus on the "not having." Don’t take my word for it. Check it out yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts surrounding what you want in your life. Discover where your attention goes. Inadvertently, many of us are focusing on the “not having,” and by doing so, some claim we only create more of the “not having.” I can't say this is true all of the time, but in my experiments with the concept in my own life, I have found it to be true a lot of the time. Again, check it out. Experiment. If you find, like I did, that this is in fact happening for you, I encourage you to intentionally focus on what you do have, then see what happens.

Question A Week 21

Why is loneliness so prevalent in our world?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

As a coach, I hear about loneliness a lot. As human beings we long to be known and to know others, for in doing so we come to know ourselves. This is what intimacy makes the space for in our lives. We are made for it. I would argue, in fact, that intimacy is a fundamental human need. 

In our technological world, connection is seemingly unfettered and easy. Why then do we feel so lonely? There is obviously a distinction between connection and intimacy that is worth paying attention to. Which aspects of your life create a sense of intimacy and which ones leave you feeling more lonely? In asking ourselves these questions we need to keep in mind that loneliness is different than solitude which is an important part of true intimacy. Without a doubt, intimacy takes more investment than connection, but the payoff seems not only worth it, but essential to experiencing the fullness of our humanity.

Question A Week 20

What happens when you don’t pace yourself while running a marathon?

In response to one of my weekly questions a while back, a reader said: "I try to think about running a marathon instead of a sprint." It's such solid advice for so many of the most significant realms of human life such as intimate relationship, parenting, and work. It's also instructive when used to reflect on our hopes and our heartbreaks. Pacing ourselves is necessary if we want to be in something for the long haul. Our energy is limited and we have to be skillful in deciding where, when, and how to use it.

I need to constantly remind myself of the marathon metaphor as I more powerfully claim my role as a community organizer. It's a challenge to pace myself amidst the urgency and excitement of the moment. Parker Palmer, in his book Healing the Heart of Democracy, taught me one story that never fails to make me pause and take a deep breath in the midst of the hurry. For twenty long years John Woolman "spoke with his fellow Quakers about the heartbreaking contradiction between their faith and their practice"  before they became the first religious community in America to free their slaves. 

Question A Week 19

Have you thanked your teacher?

Years ago, as I was grumbling (yet again) about someone, a wise woman had both an assertion and a question for me: “She’s your teacher. Have you thanked her?” She wasn't referring to our traditional teachers (although thanking them again and again is a great idea...have you been in a classroom lately?). She was referring to those people in our lives that we don't like, or that annoy us, or that bring up uncomfortable or even scary feelings inside of us. Her question completely shifted my attention away from being a victim of someone else’s actions toward being curious about how this person was expanding my life in some way. Being thankful in these times can ease the resistance. Easing the resistance can create a bigger space inside of us where understanding, integration, and maybe even transformation become possible.

Question A Week 18

By whose rules are you playing?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

My son started piano lessons when he was seven years old. In the beginning especially, the learning curve is so steep and there are so many, many rules. For Reuben, rules translate into a lot of someone else telling him what to do, when what he most longs for is to be in charge of his own life. Don’t we all? 

Being a kid is full of others telling you what to do. Parents, teachers and other adults are constantly, and often unconsciously, creating and putting kids in boxes that define what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong, what is appropriate and what is not, what can be done and what cannot.

As adults, we do have more say in our experience of life. But these "voices" from our past don’t just magically go away. It takes a concerted effort to hear our own voice amidst all the others vying for space in our head, but with conviction and perseverance we can do it. We will likely need to spend a good deal of time undoing at least some, if not many, of the rules we inherited along the way. With time and attention we can attain exactly what we wanted when we were little...to run our own show. Of course there is the issue of doing that in the midst of others, but that is for another question...

Question A Week 17

How are you being a contribution?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

The pressure to be successful runs deep in our culture. When we're focused on results and they are not unfolding as we want them to, it can be easy to get discouraged. What if we asked ourselves (and each other) about contribution instead? By taking the focus off results, we might instead see the innumerable possibilities of being a gift in each and every moment.

Question A Week 16

How do we distinguish between selfishness and self-care?

Self-care and selfishness are two buzzwords embedded deep in our collective consciousness that are worth questioning more deeply. It seems generally accepted that self-care is “good” and selfishness is “bad.” Even my question presents this simplistic dichotomy. The truth is no doubt more hazy. Definitions matter. What do we mean by self-care and selfishness? The way we define something allows for certain possibilities and keeps others out. What if we played with our definitions? And remember, when asking ourselves these questions, it needs to be more than mind play. This can be fun and interesting, but to have inquiry change our day to day experience we need to invite our whole selves into the play. Ask yourself: How does an action I take (or don’t take) feel in my body and heart? Listen carefully…

Question A Week 15

How are you practicing gratitude?

"When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around." Willie Nelson

A while back I was in a hole. I couldn’t see a way forward. It’s a place I’m familiar with and I’ve finally learned not to panic, at least not as much. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, or it isn’t scary. It does, and it is. But I’ve learned to trust that it will pass. 

One of the most powerful practices for me during these times is gratitude. I’m certainly not the first person to espouse the benefits of gratitude. Every spiritual tradition emphasizes the importance of gratitude, and more and more the wisdom of these teachings are being corroborated by scientific studies of the brain. 

Think about the happiest, most fulfilled people you know, and I’ll bet that gratitude is a significant part of their lives. It’s important to note that these are not necessarily people with the “perfect” circumstances in their lives. The truth is, practicing gratitude works, regardless of the circumstances of your life. 

Over the years I’ve learned that HOW I practice gratitude matters, especially during those times when I find myself in a hole. It’s not enough for me to just name what I’m grateful for, or jot things down quickly. I need to spend intentional, recurring time focused on gratitude.

In the practice I’ve developed over the years, first I write down 5-10 things I am grateful for. The number doesn’t matter. If you’re new to this, you may want to start with 3-5. What is important is to flesh out each gratitude with as many details as possible. I also include “why” I am grateful for it, which is a powerful reminder of what I care about and love. Then I spend the time to slowly read each gratitude back to myself, out loud if possible. What I’m going for is the ability to visualize, sense, and feel the gratitude in my body, not just think about it in my head. The bonus step is when I find someone else to do this practice with so we can share our daily gratitudes. Doing so gives us ideas for additional things to be grateful for and inspires us to keep at the practice, which is when we will in turn see more things to be grateful for! 

Don't hesitate to be in touch if you have any questions about doing this practice, or if you'd like to share your gratitudes with me.  

Question A Week 14

What’s underneath the blame, judgment, and defensiveness?

There's a place inside all of us that Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron calls our "soft spot." It's the place where our innate ability to love and be loved resides.  For so many of us, from such an early age, we have learned to put up walls around this place to protect ourselves from being hurt or to keep out what scares us. Whenever you catch yourself in blame, judgment, or defensiveness you can be sure that this "soft spot" is not accessible. Opening to this love story takes bravery and support, as it is, in so many ways, countercultural. And it’s an ongoing project, as we will get countless opportunities to try it out. Onward.

Question A Week 13

What did you find down there?

When Patti was a small child and took a tumble, my father-in-law Govie would quickly ask her, "What did you find down there?"  It's such a brilliant question for a parent to ask a child, as it introduces the possibility of discovery into a situation that could instead feel only upsetting. Falling down is something that happens to all of us. The important thing is what happens next. Do we allow the upset to be all we recognize, or do we look for what we can learn and how we can grow from the fall?

Question A Week 12

How do you experience joy?

I ask all of my clients this question. It can take some digging to figure it out. And it can shift and change over the years. Once a client discovers the answer, the next step is figuring out how to get them experiencing it on a regular basis. We need joy to fuel us, not just once in a blue moon, but consistently. Ideally, there are some experiences of joy we can rely on in our life. Experiences we can look forward to with anticipation, and look back at with satisfaction. So when hard times come, which they will, these joy-filled experiences will help sustain us through the difficulty. 

A few years ago, during a particularly tough time in my own life, I realized I had not asked myself this question in a very long time. So I did, and the answer was singing. So I joined Sing!, a non-audition women’s community chorus based in Duluth Minnesota. Our weekly rehearsals and performances were experiences of pure, unfettered joy!

With the New Year beginning tomorrow, I encourage you to ask yourself how you experience joy, then be sure to add those experiences to your list of resolutions for 2020. Sing! performed its last concert in June of this year (listen here if you wish), so it’s time for me to ask myself this question too.

Question A Week 11

What if the antidote to exhaustion was not rest, but wholeheartedness?

Coaching is often about questioning the assumptions so many of us take as fact, such as we need a daily dose of the news in order to be connected to what's going on, or we get more done when we multitask, or when we're tired we should rest, or, for that matter, that there are any "shoulds" in this life, period. David Whyte, in Midlife and the Great Unknown, asks a wise friend to give him advice about the exhaustion he feels, and instead of being told to rest, he is told to look for what he can engage in wholeheartedly. 

I love the word “wholeheartedness” because it implies going for it with all I've got. My whole heart is a whole lot, if I allow it. This kind of living may bring me face to face with the best and worst of myself and others, but I have a sense that if I protect myself from the worst, I don’t get the best either. There’s no right or wrong. It’s a choice. Wholeheartedness will undoubtedly break my heart from time to time, but I choose this if it means living whole.

Question A Week 10

“How deeply can fulfillment blossom from a cultivated ground of restraint”?

This week's question comes from Barbara Kingsolver’s  essay collection Small Wonder: “My grandfather Kingsolver used to tell me with a light in his eyes about the boxcar that came through Kentucky on the L&N line when he was a boy-only once a year, at Christmas carrying oysters and oranges from the coast. Throughout my own childhood, every year at Christmastime while an endless burden of wants burgeoned around everybody else, my grandfather wanted only two things: a bowl of oyster soup and an orange. The depth of his pleasure in that meal was so tangible, even to a child, that my memory of it fills me with wonder at how deeply fulfillment can blossom from a cultivated ground of restraint."

Question A Week 9

What about giving the gift of listening this season?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

As a coach, colleague, mom, spouse, friend, daughter, sister, neighbor, I can’t imagine a better gift to give anyone than listening. The concept of “listening to connect” has greatly expanded my understanding of what it means to listen well. When I first heard of this concept I was immediately challenged, as I considered how I was more likely to listen to prove or defend, then to listen to connect.

Self-observation is a powerful coaching tool. It helps us identify our habits and see how they are allowing or preventing our best intentions from becoming real. Self-observation takes a commitment to pay close attention to what we think and feel and say and do. Once I made it my intention to listen to connect, I discovered numerous habits of conversation that thwart my desire to connect to others. These include planning my response while another person is still talking, as well as giving advice even when I'm not asked for it. And my son is not the least bit shy to point out that I don't seem to hear him when I'm looking at one of my devices. Well, duh!

What happens when you listen to connect? My guess is that it will be as much of a gift to yourself as it is to the one you give it to.

*I learned about “listening to connect” from Judith Glaser’s work on “conversational intelligence.”

Question A Week 8

Where does the light get in?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

Leonard Cohen, in his song "Anthem" says this: "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."  We're all broken. All of us. Most of us resist exposing our brokenness and have learned to cover it up by fighting, fleeing, or freezing in one form or another. If Cohen is right (or we're at least willing to experiment with his idea), then exposing our brokenness is how we can let the light in. It's also how the light that is inside us gets out.

Question A Week 7

Do you have the “guts to give thanks for the things you’ve lost?”

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

This week’s question comes from a song by Cloud Cult. Music is the language of the heart. It can break us open in a way few other things can. And the insight that comes from the breaking, and the opening, can be profoundly revealing.

I often suggest listening to music as a “practice” for my clients, especially those who need help tapping into their emotional world. Cloud Cult certainly breaks me wide open with its stunning musical arrangements and lyrics that invite me to dig deep.

“As kids we believed that the angels talked. Everything is magic until you think it’s not. It’s easy to be thankful for the things you’ve got. It takes guts to give thanks for the things you’ve lost…”

Don’t rush it. Each loss in our life, whether it be a person, a place, an identity, an object…and its accompanying grief, has its own timing. There are stages to grief, some say five, others say seven, but none of them include thankfulness. My dad was sick 4 years ago at this time and passed to the other side December 14. Can I include this loss when I’m likely asked at the Thanksgiving table what I’m grateful for? We’ll see.

“And we grew up believing good wins over bad. So you gave away your heart but the wolves attacked. But then a bigger heart grew back.”

Question A Week 6

What is the value of diversion in our lives?

I used to believe, without question, that to not study, analyze, and/or discuss “issues” in the moment when they were showing up was to be in denial of them. After doing this for 30+ years, with sketchy success, I began to wonder. Numerous interactions with my son encouraged me to give diversion more of a try. One in particular, when he was 6 years old, long past the age when diversion is suggested as an effective parenting technique, solidified my shift in perspective.

It was time to go to school and Reuben wasn’t at all excited about it. He was in fact quite upset and expressing that very clearly. I considered using a tactic I had used in the past where I tried to help him find something good about school, but that tactic had often led to an argument, each of us trying to convince the other of our position on things.

So instead I came up with a game around getting his teeth brushed and his shoes on where he ran around the house in between each step of the process. It took a bit more time than it could have, but a lot less time than it would have to argue. And more importantly, his energy shifted completely. As he got out of the car at school he turned and gave me his usual wink and smile before running to the door.

Reuben and I did return to the issue of how he felt about school when we weren’t in the midst of needing to leave. In a less charged space we were able to come up with some very helpful things we could do to make his experience better.

Could diversion to something that feels good be as effective for any of us, regardless of our age? Try it out and let me know.

Question A Week 5

Is the story you’re telling expanding or contracting what is possible for you?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

The way you tell a story, about yourself, others, or the world, matters. Like any story it will include some things and leave other things out. Each story creates a framework you live out of, often unconsciously. Sometimes life knocks you out of your familiar story so fast you're left groundless. With time and receptivity, these experiences can open you up to stories you never could have imagined possible. Other times you might get tired of hearing yourself tell the same story over and over and that is your opportunity to investigate the impact it's having on your life and make a commitment and plan to change. Regardless of how it might seem, you are the author of your stories and you can choose to keep them, let them go, or transform them. 

Question A Week 4

How Are We?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

I've been reading The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World, a conversation between the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. How is it that these two people who have known so much suffering are still joyful?

I'm most intrigued by their conviction that joy comes from being of benefit to others. I must admit, this is not my first impulse. When I'm feeling unhappy I tend to focus only on what's not working for ME, and I believe that if I just take better care of myself I will be happy.

This week’s question: “How are we?” is what people in South African villages ask each other upon meeting. It stems from a philosophy of Ubuntu that says “a person is a person through other people.” We literally owe our selfhood to others. When those around us suffer, we suffer. When those around us are well, we are well. It is then, it seems, in our best interest to attend to the well-being of others. Think about your household, your workplace, your town, your nation, your world...then ask yourself: How are we?